i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
