woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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