she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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