I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
