lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
