i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
