the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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