If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
