didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
