10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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