first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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