Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize