Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
