OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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