Swine flu. Run for my life!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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