i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
