"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
