yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
