once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
