My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
