If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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