Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
