Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
