you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
