running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
