haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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