So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
