I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
