So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
