made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
