hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
