She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
