speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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