Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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