Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
