went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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