Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
