not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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