Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
