Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
