White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
