I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
