Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
