This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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