my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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