Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
