I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize