my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
