we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
