Four minutes until I can fart!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
