I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
