His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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