how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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