I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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