Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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