the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
