i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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