Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
