I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
