one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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