I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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