he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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