so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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