found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh god it's open bar.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
